Behaviour Makes Sense

Oct 12

When we hear the word behaviour, our minds often go straight to the difficult moments.

The shouting. The hitting. The refusing. The child who drops to the floor in the middle of a shop. The meltdown just as you are trying to get everyone out the door. The repeated “no” when you have already asked five times.

But behaviour is actually much bigger than that.

Behaviour is simply anything a person does.

Your child asking for help is behaviour. Covering their ears is behaviour. Walking away is behaviour. Pointing to something they want is behaviour. Saying “no” is behaviour. Laughing, playing, waiting, hiding, grabbing, crying and asking for another turn are all behaviour too.

And I think that is a really important place to start, because once we stop seeing “behaviour” as a word that only applies when something has gone wrong, we can start looking at it much more objectively.

Instead of asking, “How do I get this behaviour to stop?”, we can start asking, “What is happening here?”

And that change in question can make a huge difference.

Behaviour usually makes sense

Sometimes behaviour genuinely feels as though it has come from nowhere.

You might be having what seems like a perfectly normal afternoon, and suddenly your child is crying, shouting, throwing something or refusing to move.

It is very easy in those moments to think, Where did that come from?

But when we slow things down and look carefully, there is often a pattern.

Maybe they were asked to turn off the iPad. Maybe it was time to leave the playground. Maybe they were given an instruction they did not understand. Maybe the room became too noisy. Maybe dinner was different from what they expected. Maybe they were tired, hungry or simply at the end of their ability to cope for that day.

Then we also look at what happened afterwards.

Did the iPad come back? Did the task disappear? Did everyone rush over? Did your child get to leave the room? Did the expectation change?

None of this is about blaming you or your child.

It is about understanding learning.

Children, like all of us, notice what works.

If screaming has previously resulted in another five minutes on the iPad, screaming may become more likely the next time the iPad is switched off. If dropping to the floor means a difficult task disappears, dropping may become more likely when that task appears again.

That does not mean your child is sitting there plotting a strategy.

It means their behaviour has changed something in their environment before, and their brain has learned from that experience.

The ABCs can help us see the pattern

One of the simplest tools I use when trying to understand behaviour is the ABC model.

The A is the antecedent: what happened immediately before?

The B is the behaviour: what did the child actually do?

And the C is the consequence: what happened immediately afterwards?

The word consequence sometimes makes parents nervous because it sounds like we are talking about punishment. We are not. In behaviour analysis, consequence simply means what happened next.

So imagine this:

You say, “iPad is finished.”

Your child screams and throws the iPad.

You are exhausted, dinner is burning and you really do not have the energy for a 30-minute battle, so you say, “Okay, five more minutes.”

That makes complete sense in the moment. Most parents have had versions of this experience.

But the child may also learn something from it: when the iPad finishes, screaming sometimes gets me more time.

Once we see that pattern, we have something we can work with.

Perhaps next time we introduce a timer, a visual countdown, a clear “first dinner, then iPad later”, and teach the child another way to ask for more time or cope with “finished”.

Now we are not simply trying to stop screaming.

We are changing the situation and teaching a new skill.

Behaviour can be communication

You may have heard people say that behaviour is communication, and I think that is a really useful way of looking at it.

Sometimes a child simply does not yet have an easier way to tell us what is happening.

Hitting might mean, I need you to move away.

Running away might mean, This is too much.

Crying might mean, I don't understand what is happening.

Throwing something might mean, I am finished.

Refusing might mean, This feels too hard.

And sometimes behaviour is communicating something physical: I am tired. I am hungry. Something hurts. This environment feels unbearable.

This does not mean that every behaviour becomes acceptable simply because we understand where it came from.

Safety still matters. Boundaries still matter.

But understanding the message underneath the behaviour gives us a much better starting point for teaching something different.

If a child is hitting because they need a break, simply telling them “no hitting” leaves them with the same problem.

They still need the break.

So alongside keeping everyone safe, we need to teach another way to communicate that message: perhaps saying “break”, handing over a break card, pointing to a symbol, signing it, or using AAC.

The replacement has to actually work for the child.

The same behaviour can mean very different things

This is one of the reasons I am cautious about giving blanket advice about behaviour.

Two children can do exactly the same thing for completely different reasons.

Imagine two children both scream when asked to sit at the dinner table.

One child may be trying to escape because the smells and food textures are overwhelming.

Another may have learned that screaming delays dinner and gives them another ten minutes on the iPad.

Same behaviour. Very different reason.

And therefore, potentially, very different support.

This is why we need to understand the function of behaviour rather than simply deciding that a particular behaviour always means one thing.

Often, behaviour helps a child access something they want, move away from something they find difficult, gain connection or attention, or meet a sensory or physical need.

But we work that out by looking at the individual child and the context, not by guessing from the behaviour alone.

What happened before matters

Parents naturally focus on what to do once behaviour has started.

And of course, we do need strategies for those moments.

But some of the most effective behaviour support happens well before the difficult behaviour appears.

If we know leaving the playground is hard, can we use a timer and a countdown?

If mornings are overwhelming, can we use a visual routine?

If a task feels too big, can we break it down?

If waiting is difficult, can we teach waiting gradually instead of expecting the child to suddenly cope with twenty minutes?

If a noisy supermarket regularly ends in distress, can we go at a quieter time, use headphones, shorten the trip or give the child a clear job to do?

None of that is “giving in”.

It is good support.

We are changing the environment so that the child has a better chance of succeeding.

We also need to teach what to do instead

One of the biggest mistakes we can make is telling children repeatedly what not to do without teaching them what they can do instead.

“Stop shouting.”

“Don't grab.”

“Stop hitting.”

“Calm down.”

Those instructions tell the child what we do not want, but they do not necessarily solve the problem the child is trying to solve.

If grabbing gets them a toy, teach requesting.

If running away gets them out of a difficult task, teach them how to ask for help or a break.

If screaming happens when they are asked to wait, teach waiting in very small, supported steps.

And when the child uses that new skill, make sure it works.

If asking nicely never gets a response but screaming gets everyone moving immediately, we should not be surprised if screaming remains the more attractive option.

Curiosity before judgement

The message I would really like parents to take from all of this is not that you need to analyse every single thing your child does.

You don't.

But when a behaviour keeps happening, particularly when it is distressing or unsafe, curiosity is incredibly useful.

Instead of immediately thinking, They're being difficult, try asking:

What happened before this?

What changed afterwards?

What might they be trying to get, avoid or communicate?

Is there a skill they do not have yet?

Is there something I could change before this happens next time?

Behaviour makes much more sense when we look at the whole picture.

And once behaviour starts to make sense, our response can become much more thoughtful too.

We can move away from simply reacting and towards understanding, supporting and teaching.

That is really what positive behaviour support is about.