What Is Behaviour?

“He’s acting out again.”
“She’s such a well-behaved girl.”
“We’ve had so many behaviours this week…”

Sound familiar? If you’re a parent or caregiver, chances are you’ve said or heard something like this before. We use the word behaviour all the time — especially when it comes to children — but what do we really mean by it?

Let’s break it down in a way that actually makes sense. Because when you understand what behaviour is, you can start to make sense of why it happens — and that’s when things start to shift.

Behaviour is anything a living being does. If your child is running, talking, frowning, jumping, or even just blinking — they’re behaving. We often think of behaviour as the “big stuff” — tantrums, shouting, hitting — but the truth is, it’s everything a person does. If you can see it, hear it, or measure it in some way, that’s behaviour.

So if your child picks up a book? That’s behaviour.
Reads the words out loud? Still behaviour.
Thinks about the story? Yep, even that counts.
Smells the pages, turns them carefully, hugs it? All behaviour.

It doesn’t need to be loud or dramatic. Even shifting weight from one foot to the other quietly is still behaviour.

Here’s a helpful way to think about it: a rock rolling down a hill is not behaviour — because the rock isn’t alive. But if your child throws the rock down the hill? That’s behaviour. Why? Because it’s a living being doing something in their environment. That interaction between a person and the world around them — that’s what makes behaviour happen.

This also helps clear up a common question: are thoughts and feelings behaviour?

Not exactly. Feeling tired, hungry, or frustrated — those are internal experiences. They’re important, but they’re not behaviour on their own. What is behaviour is what we do with those feelings. So feeling scared isn’t behaviour. But hiding under the bed because you're scared? That’s behaviour. Wanting a toy isn’t behaviour. Asking for it, grabbing it, or pointing at it — now that’s behaviour.

A great way to tell the difference is to use the “Dead Man Test.” It sounds a bit silly, but it works: If a dead person can do it, it’s not behaviour. So lying still? A dead man can do that — not behaviour. Walking, crying, talking, laughing? A dead man can’t do any of those — definitely behaviour.

We also tend to use vague words when talking about behaviour. We say things like, “She had a tantrum,” or “He’s being bold,” or “They’re acting out.” But these phrases don’t tell us much about what actually happened. What did it look like? Did she lie on the floor and cry? Did he throw a toy? Did they shout or stomp?

And here’s the thing — because we so often use these vague terms, many people automatically associate the word behaviour with something negative. When we say “his behaviour was really bad today,” it tends to paint the child in a poor light without giving anyone — parents, teachers, or the child — a clear picture of what actually went on. It’s a reflection of how we talk about behaviour as a society: shorthand for “something went wrong,” instead of a neutral description of actions that can be understood and supported.

This is why being specific and descriptive when we talk about behaviour is so important — not just for “challenging” behaviours, but for positive ones too. Saying “She was so good today” doesn’t tell us much. But saying “She waited her turn, followed instructions, and helped clean up” gives us a clear understanding of what went well. The more precise we are, the better we can reinforce, support, or guide behaviour in a helpful direction.

And here’s another piece that often gets missed: the same behaviour can mean different things in different situations. Or different behaviours can serve the same purpose.

Let’s say your child wants attention. They might say “Mum, look at me!” Or tap your arm. Or start singing loudly. All different actions, but all with the same goal: getting your attention.

On the other hand, take the phrase “Help.” Your child might be reading it from a book — or they might be genuinely asking for help. Same behaviour on the surface, but two completely different meanings.

This is why understanding behaviour is so powerful. It’s not just about what something looks like — it’s about what it does for the person. What does the behaviour achieve? What does your child get or avoid by doing it?

So what can you start doing today?

You don’t need to become a behaviour analyst to make a difference. Start by noticing what your child is actually doing — not just how it makes you feel. Watch what happens just before the behaviour (that’s the trigger) and what happens right after (that’s the consequence). And where you can, skip the vague labels and just describe what you see.

Behaviour is communication. It’s how your child interacts with the world. And when we begin to see it through that lens, we stop asking “What’s wrong with them?” — and start asking, “What are they trying to tell me?”